This could be us if the stinkin' snow doesn't quit !

Another from my dear Aunt ! Very appropriate as we had between 8 and 10 more inches in the past 24 hrs !

Subject: : Diary of a Snow Shoveller

This is old but still funny!

Subject: Diary of a Snow Shoveller


December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
and
my wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses
Print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow now
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a
lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway
and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a
perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow, such a
disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No
snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
the
end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! Eight more inches last night. The
temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't realize
I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get
back in shape this way.
I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife
wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in
Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which
I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity
was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do now
but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've
bought a wood stove,
but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't
believe I'm freezing to
death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to
find a
neighbourhood kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing
hockey. I think they're
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a
snow blower, and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I
have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's
lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more
inches of the
white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'till
August. Took me 45
minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to
piss. By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried
to hire Bob, who
has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's
too busy. I think the
asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife
wanted me
to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she
nuts!!! Why didn't she tell
me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-
bitch who drives that
snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to
death with my
broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me
finish shoveling
and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws
snow all over
everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her
and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn
snowplow.
December 25: Merry freaking Christmas. 20 more inches of the @%$* slop
tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the
snow! Then the
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a freaking idiot.
If I have to watch "It's a
Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the
microwave.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to minus 30, and the pipes froze.
Plumber came
after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to
replace all my pipes.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in.
December 29: Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver. He is now
suing me for a
million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for
trying to shove the broken
snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" of snow
predicted tonight.
December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?